When telling others about dream, I often receive comments such as “That is so brave!” and “That must take a lot of courage!”
To be honest, being here today to talk about my dream and making it a reality, takes much more courage than the actual dream itself.
The well known researcher and motivational speaker Brene Brown describes courage as “showing up to be seen without knowing the outcome”.
I am showing up today, in front of you, to talk about Making my dream a reality and I have no idea how it’s going to go. The talk or the dream. But I hope, to continue with Brene Brown’s wise words, that even if I don’t know the outcome of either one, that my “courage is contagious”. Because “every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little brave.”
My dream
My name is Gisela. I am 50 years old. Mother of five. Five boys between the ages of 14 and 21. Married for 25 years. Runner, reader, writer. Dreamchaser. Originally from Germany, I have been living in Canada for the last 20 years. I am a Grade 1 French Immersion Teacher. I have taught in Germany, France, Hongkong, Toronto. My passion is bilingual education. My dream is to teach in yet another country. It’s what keeps me going. It’s what keeps me afloat.
“A dreamchaser is an individual with the courage to follow their heart and the belief to succeed in the path that they take.”
In February of this year, I was offered a one year teaching position in Sydney Australia. My dream job. Dream city. Dream country. My dream is about to become reality. Perfect! So what would be courageous about that?
What’s in a dream?
Adults are nuanced and have a wide range of values and a myriad of ways they hope to live. What is my dream, may not excite you at all and vice versa. The daydreams we had as a child are very different from each other, but they are planted in your heart for a reason.
In the opening post of my blog Thoughts from the Upside Down, I compare my childhood dreams to a fruit cocktail:
“If life is a fruit cocktail, I am looking for the maraschino cherries, few and far apart. The sweet spots, that make the diced peaches and pears and chunks of pineapple of life turn slightly red with dye. Not the pale squishy grapes. Definitely not those.
Not all dreams have to be as dramatic as leaving your entire family to teach in another continent. In fact you don’t have to dream at all. A lot of us are quite content with the way things are, happy to be who we are, where we are, and what we do. Maybe you are already your best self. The self that is whole, fulfilled and complete enough to joyfully give back to the world.
Because dreaming is as much about others as it is about you. Dreaming does not mean to be ungrateful for your privileges, your health, your family and friends, your life. It means finding the passion in something you may already be doing. Or would like to do. It means looking for whatever it takes to make you your better self. To be inspired and to inspire others. To live life to its fullest.
There are many little dreams I had. Some call it their bucket list. Things I always wanted to try, whether I was going to be successful at it or not. I dreamed of learning to play the guitar (definitely not an inspiration to anyone), always wanted to run a marathon (check), start to write (check), actually show my writings to others (check), manage to speak in public without an anxiety attack (a dream that continues to be more of a nightmare than a dream) and so on.
And then there are the big ones. The dreams of a lifetime. The ones we follow despite our fears. Holy shit, I am going to Australia for a year by myself to teach! Sometimes I wake up at night and break out in cold sweat – What have I done?
A good friend, when hearing about my plans, shared this quote with me and it has become my mantra and the tagline of my blog “If your dreams don’t excite and scare you at the same time they aren’t big enough” – Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
I’d rather not
I have to admit, applying for the job in Sydney was a bit of a joke haha. So was doing the skype interview with my future employer haha. But when I got offered the job, I froze and thought: “Oh no! What now?” It is one thing to dream big. It’s another to make that big dream become a reality.
How would my husband feel about me leaving him for a year to take care of everything – his job, the house, the children, shopping, cooking, cleaning… How would my children react when they would get told that , as my son #2 put it, “Mom is dippin’!”. And, strangely enough, my biggest worry: How would the ladies in the neighbourhood see my abandonment of husband and kids?
Fear is one of the biggest reason we don’t follow our dreams. My biggest fear was not being alone in a foreign country for a year, or failing at the job I had been offered, or the humongous spiders they have in Australia. My fear was that people would judge me and see me as a bad and selfish mother and wife, that is having some kind of midlife crises and just gets up and leave. It was my son’s wisdom (again #2 son) that calmed my worried mind. In his 20 year old wisdom he told me “Mom, I learned a long time ago (!), not to give a shit about what other people think.” Amen!
Other reasons for considering to not follow my dream were priorities (as a good mom I should look after my children and take care of them), a feeling of inertia(I can always teach abroad when the kids are older or when they are out of the house or when I retire or when I’m dead?), and listening to bad advice:“You never know before, what can happen while you are in it”, a friend of mine warned .
True. But remember: “ Courage is showing up to be seen without knowing the outcome”.
So why do it?
So why do it? From the long list of reasons for following your dreams, quite a few apply to me. Going back to my childhood dream of finding the cherries in life, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, a dream come true, the perfect job, a chance I could not let go. Triple scooped ice cream sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Passing up on this opportunity would have been the biggest regret of my life – maybe. Who knows?
Much more subtle was the fact that this dream gave me hope and energy, made me feel like my life worth living again. A mostly happy and funny woman on the outside, I felt like I was dying on the inside for quite a while. I felt like I hated my job, that my children did not really need me anymore …add hormones and childhood trauma into the mix, and I was stuck in the middle of a debilitating sadness. I felt trapped in my own life, with no real way out in sight. The dream of teaching abroad one day was my floating device, but never more than that. At least so I thought.
Since having accepted the job in Australia, a few people have told me that they hadn’t seen me that happy and sparkling in a while.
Our first pediatrician, a gentle bear of a man, once told me “Happy mom – happy baby!” Once I was able to let go of the guilt towards my children, I realized that leaving for a while might actually make me a better mom. Being present but unhappy and out of balance would not automatically win the Mother of the Year Award.
“ You can be a great mom and follow your dreams guilt-free. Being a mother does not mean you stop being a human being. If you truly love your children, the last thing you should do is neglect your own passions. You have responsibilities and you need to make sure that somehow everyone’s needs are met; but that means your needs too.” (Jennifer Jay Palumbo, Huffington Post)
On courage
Just like dreams are different for everyone, so is courage. Courage can have many forms. There is everyday courage, where we confront our fears, uncertainties and struggles. And then there are the true acts of courage, when we stand up for what we believe in despite the consequences.
I feel a bit ashamed to be talking here today about courage. I have a great family, a good job, a nice house, live in a great country. And I am going to teach in Australia. Alone. And my family supports me. How am I being courageous? I am living a frickin’ dream!
I have to admit I am lucky in a way that I have the support I need to make this dream – my dream – possible.
In his essay “Resilience” the Canadian author and professor Michael Ungar points out that our environment matters when it comes to maintaining our well-being and finding success. A positive attitude towards life may help you dare to dream. But without the support of your environment – your family, your friends, your employer – overcoming obstacles, fulfilling your dream, may just be simply impossible.
“A positive attitude may be required to take advantage of opportunities as you find them, but no amount of positive thinking on its own is going to help you survive a natural disaster, a bad workplace or childhood abuse. Change your world first by finding the relationships that nurture you, the opportunities to use your talents and the places where you experience community and governmental support and social justice. Once you have these, your world will help you succeed more than you could ever help yourself.”
Besides the courage to follow my dream, I was very fortunate to have the resources that helped me to do so. I have a husband that understood how much this dream meant to me – even if it would maybe put a burden on him. Five sons that – more or less – get that it’s important to follow your passion, that are independent enough to cook a meal for themselves, do their own laundry, pack their own lunches. A workplace that allows me to take a year off ( job guaranteed) for personal growth and to gather valuable work experience outside my regular position. Friends, that – though not all of them agreed with my decision – ask questions, second guess, try to understand what motivates me to leave and who, in the end, support me and trust me. A network of support that will be there for me, when things don’t work out as expected, when I might lose my courage…
Because no matter how great things seem and sound, we never know where the path we are about to take will lead us or if we will fail. I worry about my children, especially the two youngest in high school. I worry about my marriage. I worry about feeling lonely or not liking it there or realizing that my dream of a lifetime actually isn’t as fulfilling as I always had hoped it would be.
I am scared of feeling guilty and selfish to leave my family behind. I am scared of people judging me, of being labelled a bad mom. While it is culturally acceptable for a man to travel and work abroad, different standards apply to women. I am scared of people calling me weird, menopausal, hormonal, crazy. I am scared of liking it so much that I never want to come back.
“Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” (Steve Jobbs)
Making my dream a reality
Dreaming of working abroad was never hard for me. Nor was applying for the job, interviewing for it or even accepting it. What took courage was the aftermath, the making your dream reality part. It took courage to tell my family and friends about my plans. To face the different reactions and learn to deal with them. I learned to ignore the haters and stick to the people that supported me. I had to understand that my critics might indeed be right and that I would fail at actually fulfilling my dream. And I had to find the courage to go ahead and do it anyway.
“If you had the chance to follow your dreams – Woodju?”
Thoughts From the Upside Down 