Killing me softly

It’s no secret – Australia is full of things that can kill you. Deadly snakes, the world’s largest crocodiles, tiny jellyfish and hairy spiders, great white sharks, boxing kangaroos and ferocious koalas, vending machines… And if these wouldn’t get me, my first visitor in the great land Down Under definitely was, because she was on a mission to get us killed.

Finally. After 100 days of solitude, my first visitor. Don’t get me wrong – I thoroughly enjoy living on my own. Maybe too much at times. But I admit – it does get lonely, and it was nice to be greeted by a human being instead of talking to the ants in my kitchen sink (I like to strike up a conversation with them before I kill them. Seems more humane.)

“Hi honey! How was your day?” 

“Fine thank you. Today I went surfing and then I had a gorgeous nap. Did you bring home some dinner?” 

Yes, I did. After a long day at work. While SHE were sleeping. On MY bed.

Ah, to live the life of leisure like my friend and first official guest in my new home. Tina B. from T. (name and identifying details have been changed to protect the individual’s privacy). Twin soul and carrier of the legendary selfie stick (say cheese!). In Australia for two weeks and on a mission. To live in the moment. Enjoy life. Roll with it. And find danger whenever and wherever possible. Killing me softly.

MI 1
While I was fighting the threats of an increasingly cheeky kookaburra in my backyard, eyeing the contents of my popcorn bowl conspicuously, Tina B. was out looking for danger elsewhere. 

Cairns, gateway to Australia’s Great Barrier Reef and city in the tropical Far North Queensland. Close to the Daintree National Park, with its mountainous rainforest, gorges and beaches. I’m not saying I was jealous – I didn’t mind schlepping to work every morning while she was frolicking on a ridiculously gorgeous beach. At least I still had my friend the Kookaburra keeping me company.

Snorkeling in jellyfish infested waters, wrestling crocodiles in swampy groves, fighting gigantic deadly birds that will literally tear your heart out and collecting deadly shells on the beach, Tina was staring death in the face non stop. Should have told her that it’s more likely to get killed by a vending machine falling on you than by an australian animal – especially the vending machine at my school!

MI 2
Mormon Twins on Manly Mission! Dressed alike, looking like fools: white top, dark bottom, with only the name tag missing: Hello my name is Gisela and I am on a mission! With Tina. Tina B. Ready to show her the stunning beauty of this place. 

Manly Coastal walk with its outstanding harbour views, lush greenery, and gorgeous golden beaches. Where every turn around the corner gives way to yet another, even more stunning view of the sparkling blue ocean. 

Beautiful. Ridiculously beautiful. Stunningly gorgeous. Breathtaking. Out of this world. We were running out of words to describe what was right in front of our eyes. It was the beauty of the scenery that was killing us. 

That, and the 3.5 hours it took to complete this walk. A pilgrimage more likely. Pondering life and the beauty of it.  Appreciating what we had instead of regretting what we didn’t. Living intensely, excessively and in the now. 14.000 steps. 423 calories. Just enough for half a bacon and egg roll. On rocket. 

MI 3
Everyone has a bucket list, and so did my friend Tina B. Snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef – check. Surfing on Bondi Beach – check. A Sydney Harbour Tour. 

Not a big fan of boats or waves or anything water related, Tina’s wish list clearly wasn’t mine. But, the things you do for a friend.

Now, when I heard harbour tour, I was thinking big boat, snack bar, “Oh look the Opera House!”, selfie click. Say cheese! I surely could handle that. Popped a few sea sickness pills, good to go.

Until I saw the boat Tina B. had booked us on. Forget big boat. Forget snack bar. This thing did not even have walls. Nor seat belts. Our captain (Captain Crazy surely was his name) briefly mentioned life vests under the seats. I didn’t want to check. 

We were going on a 20 seater speed boat out on the open waters. The ocean. To see whales and dolphins and other dangerous things. Forget the Opera House. Forget the snack bar. I should have known, that when my friend said harbour tour, she clearly did not mean that.

But, by now nicely drowsy and mellow from my medication, I signed my life away, took a few barf bags, got seated in the center back of the boat and awaited my doom. Which was flying over the choppy surface of the Sydney harbour waters like only James Bond would, dodging big harbour tour boats, bumping over meter high waves out onto the endless sea. Never ever have I felt so exposed, so small. 

The guy next to me was barfing, begging Captain Crazy to make the boat less bumpy, and even my friend Tina B., thrill seeker, daredevil, my queen of danger, looked a bit pale and concerned by now. Feeling for the life jacket under her seat, she advised Captain Crazy of other (much bigger) boats being uncomfortably close. There were no life vests, I think, nor was there any response from our guide. Just manic laughter!

And then, while bopping the water like apples in a bowl on Halloween, we got rewarded by the sight of humpback whales swimming very close to us, breaching, jumping, showing of. For a split second the thought of one of these friendly giants flopping on our tiny bark, crossed my cotton wool head, only to be washed away by yet another spray of salty sea water in my face. Waving whales and smiling dolphins, lazy seals and screaming seagulls, definitely rolling with it like Tina B. always said. This is what living intensely, excessively – and potentially shortly – felt like. 

On our way back to safe shore, Tina B., having regained her zest for life, suggested water skiing at the back of our speed boat. On dolphins, backwards and blindfolded. Killing me softly.